my version of the aeneid's famous opening lines

Let me tell you a story. It's the kind of story you folks like so much
you had to import it.
But it's in your language, and it'll make you feel good about
these troubling times in Rome.
Wars, and a long-suffering but ultimately triumphant hero.
My hero was driven by fate and the gods.
first coming to Italy from the coasts of Troy. He came
to Lavinia's shores after being tossed throughout land and sea,
buffeted by one goddess in particular.
Maybe this story's more about Juno, angry
angry Juno, who never forgets a grudge.
Well, our hero suffered many other things in war, then finally
he built a city, he brought his Trojan gods, snatched back from the
greedy Greeks, to Latium, and from this small beginning,
he built the Latin race, its Alban fathers, and the still-
towering walls of still-lofty Rome. Oh, fine, it's not
my story. I'm asking a muse to tell me -
just like Homer asked a muse to tell him! Blame the muses
for plagiarism already! -
the cause of Juno's anger,
her grief, why a queen of the gods would make such a heroic man
endure such calamities, undergo so many hardships?
Oh, let me explain to you the great wrath that ensnares heavenly minds.
It'll take me a while. But don't worry, there's lots of sex and violence.