record

because i haven't been updating at all. videos that don't look like they were made by 13-year-old albanian teenagers forthcoming. hopefully.

the FML song

there can never be too many acronyms
that contain the letter f
not all of them have to stand for fuck
DIAF, right, warren jeffs?

sometimes life is just so confusing
that only WTF will do
but really there is only one abbreviation
that i need when i'm with you

fuck my life! fuck my life!
so much drama, so much strife!
eff em ell, eff em ell,
too much emo! i'm in hell!

i woke up in the middle of the night
after a dream about making out with my wife
but there was just a pillow in my mouth
with a dead spider on it...fuck my life

i got a copy of my birth certificate and found out with tears...
that my parents have celebrated my birthday the wrong day all these years....
my teacher reached into my sweat pants intent on correction....
she thought she was grabbing my cell phone, but it was my erection...
i heard my sister masturbating, it was gross, but the worst part was....
when she was done i saw her putting back my electric toothbrush...
i have to take a business trip to virginia with my boss, and i'm a cute young guy...
when he typed a search for directions, autocomplete said virgin boy assholes! fuck my life!

sometimes my life is more ironic than that
dipshit alanis morrissette song
push the button that says "you deserved that one"
and then let's all sing along...


***

(this one is missing some verses and i didn't write all of it...durrr...)


I'm Not Gay but I'd Fuck Dr. House


i don't care how many times you're wrong about what's wrong with me, our love is meant to be.

i don't care if you give me chemotherapy, spinal taps, or unnecessary surgery..

oh house you're sexy, grouchy, beautiful

and I aint gay but you're so doable.


Chorus:

I'm not gay but I'd fuck Dr. House.

It's a flame that I can't seem to douse.

I know he's not sterile til he puts on his glove.

Differential diagnosis is let's make sweet sweet love.



********

Someone Famous Died

When I went into work today
I knew something was wrong
Something somber in the atmosphere`
Like listening to a sad song
Everyone was quiet, everyone said, "Hey...
Did you hear the news? Someone famous died today!"

I never met you, but I feel creepily close.
What's the last drug you took, and what was the exact dose?
How long did they try to revive you? What time were you pronounced dead?
Your death is the most important thing that's happened in my head.

"I never expected," everybody said.
"So young! So talented! So cool!"
We all shared that weird excitement
Seeing your corpse face-down in the pool.
Everyone made jokes, when the time was okay,
"Did you hear the one about someone famous who died yesterday?"

Anna Nicole, you'll always be my Trimspa baby
Michael Jackson, you were a creepy pedophile, maybe
JFK, at least you got to do Marilyn Monroe
who herself was famous and died on pills alone.
Elvis, if only you'd died as young as James Dean...
Princess Di, if only you'd been heard and not seen.




***

Pride My Prejudice

Oh Mr. Darcy! You sneer so smartly! I just can't get enough of your brush-offs, delivered so perfectly tartly, oh Mr. Darcy, I realize it's partly that your rejection makes me question whether I'm hardly worthy of Darcy...

(chorus) Oh Mr. Darcy, I'll be your Lizzie, we'll insult each other, then get busy!

We'll have awkward conversations, neither have the patience to be anything but outrageous..fuck convention! Did I mention that I want to get my hand in your Regency unmentionables? This is so tension-filled!

There are bound to be resounding proposals! I'll say no! And then I'll change my mind just when it's evident what a rich bitch you are Mr. Darcy, and then you'll heart me, and we'll live happily ever after in Pemberley!

(bridge) All the dramatic moments will be epistolary...we won't even kiss, but don't worry, it'll be very...At our first meeting you might claim to despise me but we both know you won't get past my fine eyes that see...

Darcy! And Lizzie! Most reread romance in history! And then Colin Firth, shirtless and dripping, will convert everyone who wasn't already gripping Pride and Prejudice like a literary amulet, ooh, and then there'll be Facebook groups for every girl like me who loves me some Darcy...